Buried Permission Read online

  Kerrington nodded again.

  “Perfect. I need you to take a step down toward the bottom.”

  She did, and she smiled again, eager to get to what awaited her when she got all the way down.

  “One step at a time, I need you to grip the handrail. Feel it slide in your grasp, as your feet take another step, and another. Let me know when you’re standing at the base of the stairs.”

  Quickly she moved down until she stood in the middle of a bright white room. It was what she expected heaven to look like on a slow day. She stood alone and everything around her remained still and quiet. She nodded, almost forgetting what she needed to do.

  “That’s right, Kerrington, sink into your mind. You are safe and protected here. Nothing can hurt you. When you look to the right you’re going to see yourself. Not the you of now, but how you were the first day you decided to smoke. Go ahead and look.”

  The unending, bright room changed as she glanced over. Her three smoking buddies sat at a picnic table outside the hospital. They were laughing, kidding around, and enjoying each other. She smiled as she remembered that first day.

  “Walk over to them. The closer you get, the more you remember about that day. The temperature, was it hot or cold? The smells, was someone wearing perfume or were there fragrant flowers close by? Maybe trees with aromatic blossoms? Someone’s cell phone goes off. It’s just a normal day at work.

  “Tell me where you are? Who’s with you?”

  Her voice sounded far away when she spoke, but it suited her memory so it didn’t frighten her. “Several people I work with at the hospital. They always sit outside on nice days and take a break for a few minutes. It can be stressful, what we do, and they always seem so happy.

  “That first day I needed to talk to Kelly, one of my managers, and she was taking a break. I needed a minute to gather my thoughts, so I sat with them.” She walked up to the table, staring at her friends and her earlier self.

  “Another of the IT techs asked if I wanted a cigarette. I’d never tried it before, I was curious because it seemed relaxing, so I said yes.”

  “That first drag, did you love it or hate it?”

  “Loved it.”

  “That’s right. Go on, what did you love about it?”

  “I closed my eyes and sucked in a huge breath, holding it, then slowly let it out. Mmm…”

  “Feels good, doesn’t it?”

  “Mmhmm.”

  “Does anything else make you feel this way? This good?”

  She nodded once but remained silent, tugging down her eyebrows into a scowl.

  “Can you tell me?”

  She licked her lips, her fingers twitched anxiously. “Danielle.” She paused, not knowing exactly what she wanted to say. “When I come…thinking of her, I’m…”

  “That’s right. When you orgasm with her—”

  “No, not with.”

  “When you come…when you masturbate thinking of her? After the release it’s like smoking? A huge breath and then slow exhale.”

  “Yum. It’s just…wow, to think about.”

  “Have you ever been with a woman before? Intimately?”

  A frown creased her brow again. “No.”

  “But you’re obviously attracted to women. Why have you never explored that side of your sexuality? What’s stopping you from going after something you want?”

  “Trying to be a good girl.”

  Dr. Mack paused and Kerrington wondered if she’d said something wrong.

  “Who told you wanting a woman wasn’t good?”

  “My grandmother said she wanted me to have a family, children, to love and not take the easy way out like she did. That part never made any sense to me, but she wouldn’t explain it.”

  “There are lots of different kinds of families. What did your grandmother say to you? Go back to that conversation, that day, that minute when she talked to you about your future. What did she actually say? What were the words she used?”

  The scene changed, the picnic table disappeared along with the grass and the gray stone hospital building.

  She nearly burst into tears as she saw herself sitting on the side of her grandmother’s bed. It was a few months before she passed and they were having their nightly chat before they each went to sleep. “She wanted me to be happy, safe, loved.”

  “Did she ever say a man specifically? That someone with a penis was the only one you would be happy with?”

  Her grandmother tucked a few strands of hair behind Kerrington’s ear and touched her cheek, smiling down at her. Her grandmother was the only person she’d ever gotten unconditional love from. Besides Danielle.

  Kerrington frowned, shaking her head, confused. “No, but she didn’t say I could be with a woman either.”

  “That’s right, she left it up to you to decide what would make you happy. You’ve spent years trying to compensate with smoking when what you really want is something soft and loving, don’t you? What will make you happy here?”

  Dr. Mack hovered over Kerrington’s forehead and energy flowed through her body.

  “And here…”

  Energy flooded her chest, wrapping around her heart, hugging it just like her grandmother had so many years before.

  “And here…”

  The junction of her thighs pulsed with sexual tension. She arched into it, squeezing her eyes closed, savoring the delicious intensity of pure lust coursing inside her.

  “What will give you those things? Who can give you what you need?”

  Kerrington’s eyebrows lifted. A monumental revelation shined clearly in her head and stood in front of her, in living color.

  Danielle.

  She grew up before her eyes. Starting as a tomboyish girl living down the street from her grandmother, into a young woman who was quick to smile and slow to judge, then to the knockout she was now. Her beauty emanated from her in the way she moved and the way Danielle watched Kerrington. Her eyes sparkled and danced in any light and her smile could brighten darkness itself.

  “Do you want to be with the woman you’re thinking of?”

  Kerrington didn’t even have to think about it. “I do,” fell from her mouth like a vow.

  “That’s exactly right. Now remember that person and how much you want to be with them right now. When you have a craving for a delicious cigarette you’re going to think of this person instead.”

  “Every time I think of her I smoke.”

  “Then we’ll fix that together. Right now. You’re going to stop what you’re doing when the craving hits, lean back in your chair, or close your eyes and lift your chin to the sun. Breathe in deeply, hold it for ten seconds, then slowly release it. As you let it out picture her beside you, beneath you, whatever makes both of you happy.”

  “I want her.”

  “Then you should follow your grandmother’s suggestion. The permission you’ve been seeking has been buried all this time, waiting for you to find it. Wherever she is, your grandmother still wants you to be happy. Not an approximation of you, not the person you think you’re supposed to be for anyone, but the real you. She knew you, loved you and accepted you. It’s definitely time you did the same. Take a few minutes and just…listen.”

  The younger Kerrington sitting on the bed in front of her grandmother slowly vanished, and her grandmother looked directly at her where she stood beside the bed. She patted the space beside her, opening her arms to Kerrington one last time.

  Happiness and pride emanated from her, filling Kerrington to the brim with love. The acceptance of who she was deep inside couldn’t have been clearer. She climbed on the bed, into her embrace, and lay next to her like she had thousands of times before.

  This time was different though. This time was a gift that wouldn’t ever happen again. She didn’t want to waste a single breath with indecision. She opened her heart and allowed all of the confusion and hurt and fear that had plagued her for most of her life to bleed away. She let it all go, replacing it with the we
lcoming love of home. It filled her up with that beautiful white light, burning away layer after layer, leaving nothing but peace in its place.

  Her grandmother brushed hair from her brow, kissing her forehead.

  She palmed Kerrington’s cheek, lifting her chin, forcing her to hear what she was unable to accept when she told her before. “Happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you. We’re so much the same, you and I.” She winked at her, holding her close for several more minutes, then she slowly faded away. Vanishing in a cloud of dust that reminded Kerrington of a fairy.

  Kerrington wasn’t sad when she left. Tiny particles of sparkly dust fell on her skin, sinking inside her to stay forever.

  “Be happy,” echoed all around her as she was once again standing in the white room all alone. But this time as she stood in the vast space, she wasn’t lonely in the stillness. She laughed, hugging herself tightly, wondering how she’d gotten it so wrong before.

  “Have you heard everything you needed to hear?” Dr. Mack questioned.

  Kerrington smiled, nodding quickly, reveling in the gift she’d been given.

  “Go back over to the staircase for me. The brilliant light stays in front of you, illuminating the way out. The rest of the room fades to black behind you, and you focus on the top of the stairs. It’s bright and sunny, warm. Danielle’s up there somewhere, waiting for you to find her. Step on the first stair, grasping the handrail. Feel the wood beneath your naked feet. Take another step up and another. The higher you go, the closer you get back to the office with me. Another step. One more.

  “Remember what your grandmother said, how much she loved you, and that she approved of you. Find your clothes and put them back on, taking your time to become aware of your body again, of the here and now. Walk to the front door and find the key in your pocket where you left it.”

  She did each of those things, palming the key. After she walked outside, she shut the door behind her, locking it tight, knowing it would be there for her again if she ever needed to go back inside.

  “Step off the porch, close your eyes and start counting backward from fifty. When you get to zero, and you’re ready, I want you to face the house and open your eyes. I’ll be here, waiting for you.”

  Flashes of the real conversation she’d had with her grandmother played behind her closed eyelids as she counted. Snippets of dreams, sleeping and awake, she’d had of Danielle filled her. They made her heart beat faster and her pussy spasm.

  At zero, her body tingled where her grandmother had touched her, kissed her, reminding her she would never be alone.

  She twisted around and couldn’t wait to open her eyes.

  Kerrington blinked, focusing on the house again, but instead of it being in the distance it stood frozen in black and white behind glass surrounded by the dark frame on the wall of Dr. Mack’s office. Even though the clouds were in the exact same place as when she walked in, she could have sworn they were now moving away from the house. Before she’d been sure they were just blowing in.

  Slowly awareness of Dr. Mack and her office filtered in and became real again.

  She blinked a few more times, rolling her wrists and ankles in circles.

  “You did wonderful. How do you feel?”

  Kerrington’s head lolled a bit to the side and she smiled at Dr. Mack. “Mmm… Rested. Excited. A little nervous about what…I know I want. What’s okay for me to go after.”

  “Most people are their own worst critic. Let’s go get you some water and you can get on with your day. Just think about all the time and extra money you’re going to have on your hands without smoking.”

  She swung her feet off the couch, tucking them into her shoes before standing. Her brain still seemed a bit foggy and she had kind of a hard time focusing on one particular thing.

  She’d never felt so connected to her own body before. It was going to take some getting used to but she looked forward to the challenge, of getting to know herself, for the first time. Not needing to censor each thought, or gag each natural feeling she had filled her with delight. She laughed, wiping at her eyes.

  “Was I crying?” She looked at her fingertips, surprised to see tears.

  “It’s quite normal actually. A lot of people tear up for no apparent physiological reason. But I think your experience was a bit different than most. I’d like to talk to you about it, after you’ve had some time to process it.”

  “I’d like that.” She nodded, emphasizing her point. “I might write it down. I don’t want to forget anything.”

  Dr. Mack handed her purse over, escorting her toward the door, but Kerrington stopped, realization washing over her.

  “We’re the same,” Kerrington mumbled.

  “What do you mean?”

  She faced Dr. Mack, completely agog that it had taken her so many years to twig on it. “My grandmother…she never remarried, had close female friends and told me something I just remembered while I was under. She told me we were the same.”

  Dr. Mack patted her back but said nothing.

  “If she knew what I was… And if she was…why wouldn’t she just come out and tell me? Why would she keep it a secret?”

  “Of course she kept it from you. She loved you. You were effectively her daughter. She didn’t want her choices and views to affect or manipulate you in any way.”

  “But isn’t that what a parent is supposed to do? Steer you in the right direction.”

  “No, a parent is supposed to teach and encourage you to find your own direction.”

  Dr. Mack placed a hand on Kerrington’s back. She opened the door and they moved back into the reception area.

  David waited for them, looking as anxious as she had been when she entered. “Are you okay, Kerrington?” He handed her a small bottle of cold water, urging her to drink it.

  The cool water slid inside her, reminding her of how the light made her feel.

  “I’m good actually, really good. I’m so glad you convinced me to keep the appointment.” She finished her water, letting it freshen every corner of her, rejuvenating her for her next journey.

  A flash of uncertainty made itself known.

  “What if she’s not, you know, into me?” To Dr. Mack’s credit she didn’t act like she had no clue what Kerrington was talking about, nor did she turn it around like some other therapists would.

  “I’ve seen the way she looks at you. Chemistry isn’t going to be your problem. I suspect she’s wanted you as long, if not longer, than you’ve been aware of her.” She took the empty bottle from her, handing it over to David. After placing something small and metallic in Kerrington’s hand she curled her fingers around it, holding it in a fist.

  “If you ever need a reminder of what you learned today, of what you experienced today, pull this out. You’ll know you have all the permission you’ll ever need to find exactly what you need to be happy.” Dr. Mack pulled her hands away so Kerrington could open her fist.

  A small metal key, exactly like what she had pictured while she was in trance rested on her palm. “But, how did you…“

  Dr. Mack swept the hair off her forehead, tucking it behind her ear just like her grandmother did. “How isn’t important. That it’s right for you is the only thing that matters.” She handed her a CD next. “And this is for you to listen to if you’d like to go back down the stairs on your own. I’m only a phone call away, if you need me.”

  “Can I give you a hug?” Kerrington asked before she talked herself out of it.

  Dr. Mack opened her arms. “I’d be honored.”

  The two women hugged each other close. When they separated Dr. Mack winked at her. “Enjoy your newfound freedom. I hope it is everything you wish it to be.”

  Kerrington waved, getting outside into the sunshine and beautiful spring afternoon.

  She reached for her keys along with her pack of cigarettes that weren’t there and stopped dead in her tracks.

  She tipped her chin up to the sun, soaking up the warmth. Desire race
d beneath her skin as she took a deep breath and held it.

  Danielle.

  There was only one place she wanted to go.

  Chapter Six

  Kerrington’s heart dropped into her stomach, standing in Danielle’s open front door. “You’re leaving?”

  “Shit,” Danielle gasped, fumbling with a vase she’d been wrapping with newspaper. She huffed out a startled breath as she glanced up at her. She turned around, placing the protected vase in a cardboard box sitting open on her dining room table. “You scared me.”

  Kerrington crossed the threshold, staring at the empty curio that normally held glass figurines Danielle’s parents had given her growing up. The coffee table was devoid of a single magazine. Not even one Tootsie Pop in sight.

  Danielle’s car outside was full of boxes, which probably explained the front door being open.

  Danielle stiffened as she approached, which made her second-guess everything she’d prepared to say when she drove over to her apartment.

  “Why?” Kerrington asked, failing miserably to keep her emotions in check.

  Danielle reached for another piece of newspaper and her hand shook. Kerrington stepped up beside her, staying her hand, latching on to it as if it were the only thing keeping her alive.

  “I can’t…stay,” she whispered, still unable to meet her eyes.

  “You’re moving. Running away from me? You don’t talk to me for days. Don’t give me a chance to explain. Don’t—”

  “Me?” Danielle shook her off and took several steps away to glare at her from a distance. “I’m the one running away? What the hell have you been doing for years?”

  Kerrington crossed her arms, trying to hold herself together, knowing what she said was true.

  “I told you I needed a break.”

  “This is not a time-out, Danielle. You’re moving. That’s totally different. Where are you going to go? Your family’s here and your job, which you love.”

  Danielle shrugged.

  “What the hell does that mean?”

  “I’m not sure yet, okay?” she huffed out, blowing a wisp of bangs off her forehead. “My lease was up anyway, so I thought maybe it was time for a change.”